Follow up to 'The Day I broke'...

I have been thinking about it...A LOT and as I said I do feel guilty for screaming at the boys the other day even though they more than had it coming. I however don't want to be this type of parent, you know when you put them to bed and think "I've barely been nice to you all day..." but its definitely their fault! Everyday that passes recently I feel my nerves getting more brittle, I've almost constantly got a knot in my stomach I call it the "What NOW knot?!" You know what its like, you have been up since 6am fed, clothed them, washed up, tidied up, fed them again and you are just about to have your first brew...its at your lips and either they have done something or want something "Mammm"...can you feel the knot now? They are it seems genuinely going out of their way to make me insane. Just this morning while Oscar was trying to hang himself on some rope I really don't even know where he got it from and was munching on a piece of artificial coal out from our fire (it was turned off...I'm not that cruel) Archie was demanding I come and inspect his huge poo...ummm where is the HR department please? 

Before children I really couldn't wait, I already had a large dog and therefore a big responsibility, I looked at children the same way and accepted all the inevitably hard graft involved but let me tell you that dog never once barfed in my mouth, stopped me going ANYWHERE or didn't let me sit still...for nearly 5yrs in row now. I was so excited though for Pram pushing, craft sessions, beach days, cinema trips even their wedding day, that I didn't realise you have to fill in every.single.second in between these things. No really things or moments that just blurred before like, have you ever driven to work and thought "Crap I cant even remember driving here?"...NOT a problem with kids, all it takes is something to drop on the floor and you will never forget a car journey again. Especially when they get up at the crack of dawn by 9am I'm ready for lunch. This is the thing I try to explain to people without kids and I can tell they think I'm crazy but if you look at even the basics of a child in the morning alone, the actual work, you go from dressing and feeding just you, to dressing and feeding someone else, then trying to dress and fed yourself while trying not to let the other person kill themselves and more often than not you then have to dress and feed them again. 

Not to mention the actual mental torture you will see in 
I don't want to have daily arguments with my 4yr old about...well everything, but most frustratingly, what I try to make him wear. The worst thing is if I want him to wear outfit 1 there is a huge tantrum over outfit 2, so the next day I say he can wear outfit 2 and now there is a huge tantrum because he wants to wear outfit 1!? I also don't want to have to tell my 2yr old for the literal 4000th time that he can not climb on the Plasma TV and that the bin is not a food source...when will he accept these things?! I just want to be their Mam, not this bitter crazy woman. Which brings me onto my other bug bare and accomplice is being nuts, Men!  I'm going to try to keep my hubby out of this as he currently hasn't done anything wrong and I know they are all the same but this is definitely part of my problem - being female.

Yesterday when I was swelling my face up getting drenched on our walk I passed tonnes of male joggers and groups of cyclists and I thought you never see many woman...you know why? because they haven't got time! Seriously nothing is more guaranteed to bring out my feminist side than seeing a man off for a mornings cycling or spending hours washing.their.car. a totally ridiculous waste of time especially as you can pay £3 at the garage and be sparkling in 10 mins.  Most woman whether they have kids or not are too busy spending weekends catching up with housework, we haven't time to disappear for half the day doing something just for us and if you have kids that is a certainty. Also even if we ever did I could never glance around the house looking like a crime scene and disappear to a Spa...I would have it planned like a military operation, stripped the beds and spent the day before cleaning... When you have children its even worse, I look at the weekend as blank (apart from important occasions) its family time, I would never regularly think "Yeah I will be going out with my friends most of Saturday" but a game of rugby or whatever is totally fine? Here is the kicker though even when I do get a bit of time off...I spend it cleaning or treat myself to a child free food shop!

Then there is the guilt....and the worry...but mostly the guilt that men don't feel. If a crying child is returned to a Dad (at soft play, the park etc) who hadn't noticed because he was reading the paper or chatting its no problem, when its a Mum it feels like the whole place goes quiet and tuts. The other day I saw and article on a Mum who makes her kids packed lunch into 'Picasso' like art so her little boy will eat it...in my house you eat it or starve. Then I felt bad for this and not having the energy to make sandwich's into a Lego scene, then I felt bad for not being firmer and sticking to my upbringing "clear your plate or no pudding"...How many Dads are sitting chewing this out in their brains as well?...0 at a guess. We are genetically programmed to try and give our selves a stroke, men don't have a head to toe sweat if an unexpected visitor asks "Can I use your loo?!" I will also never forget the day Archie came back from a trip out with Daddy on a rare Saturday I had to work wearing, ripped joggers, a Pyjama top and Christmas socks...in May. My husband looked genuinely terrified when eyes bulging I asked "Did you see anyone we know?!" Don't even start me on work either when most my friends are getting 'Mummy Tracked' anyway "How do you cope with the work life balance?"....No Dad was asked EVER. Its not their fault but Men really don't worry about this stuff... I cant decide if I'm angry or just really jealous.

It's no wonder they say being a Mum is the hardest job in the world though, they just didn't mention I would turn into a crazy person at risk of becoming the next Germaine sodding Greer. God I hope it does get better as promised when they go to school. Until then I will be starting a club called #RealMums or maybe 'Wine O'clock Club' I'm working on it but...want to join? Follow me at 

Ash xox 


  1. Oh dear god I could have written this, only bit I'd disagree with is, "we are genetically programmed to try and give our selves a stroke". I don't think it's anything genetic, purely social conditioning. It is expected that we will take the full burden of motherhood and housework, so if we take time out to do something for ourselves when we are so used to the judgement that we internalise it and feel guilty.

    I love my kids, they are everything to me, but sometimes I hate being a mother and never having a moment.

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