10.19.2014

Just give me a *f*cking* minute.....



"Just a minute"

"OK 1 Second"

"Let me finish this"

"Give me 5 minutes"

I say these things about 1 billion times a day and it makes no difference, my children do not understand the concept of waiting. I can hear my mother saying "Yeah well they are kids" ...that makes me feel loads better when I cant even go to the loo without something horrible happening. Not. I literally feel like sometimes I cant get a minute to myself or just finish the dishes. I constantly say the above and I mean it, I will be there is a minute but I haven't finished making their toast, they have already asked for a smoothie, then bypassed that completely and want playdoh out...the toaster hasn't even popped. Its like we cant even get out of the house as well, apart from the usual horrific "Just get dressed" "Where is your coat?" "Why have you took off your socks?" no explanation needed if you have kids but you need to get dressed too, probably pack a bag, stick on the dishwasher....you know survive.

This is what my morning is like. Imagine a bear covered in poop is in your living room. This is the perfect analogy because I have as much faith in my children as a wild animal. Your not dressed and need to get this bear out of your house as its just walking around destroying and covering everything in crap. You cant do that until you're dressed though. So now its a race against time, do you dare have a shower? What if it goes into the kitchen, finds the bright red lip stain down the back of the fridge (you thought you must have left on holiday) and...well stains everything red? Just go, reds your favourite colour anyway.

"Just be 5 minutes"

Do you dare go to the loo or just brush your teeth? The bear has become thankfully transfixed with the TV for 5 minutes and taking the bear up stairs with you will be a lot of hassle and create more mess as the bear will want to cover the bath in blue toothpaste and drink the water that sits in the bottom of the loo brush. Just sneak up and get the job done. Big mistake. The bear lost interest as your foot hit the top of the stairs and it has decided licking the TV, covering it in said crap and pulling all the photos off the mantle piece would be better. 

"Just a minute"

Now you have had a 4 second shower, half brushed your teeth while having a speed wee....you still need to get dressed though. Its looking pretty appealing now to just stay in and let the bear trash the house. You can clear up later. Again. No no you both need to get out, everything will be worse if we stay in and don't forget the mess, someone is bound to knock unannounced and you will want to die of shame that they see how you actually live! You.just.need.to.get.dressed. So go to wardrobe and pick something suitable for the schizophrenic British weather, that you can bend over in, make a sprint in (after the bear later) and that's preferable clean....ahhh lower standards on the last one. In fact just pick something to fucking cover your body there is a lot of noise going on now downstairs, can bears start a fire with just their fingers?  

"One second"

Now the bear is bad but you haven't realised there has been a saboteur this whole time. The alpha male. He has left a scolding cup of coffee on the bench as he has skipped out the house.....is he mad?! Bears love weird shit they have never seen before...until they burn their mouth and you only have one boob in your bra. Mad dash down stairs, ice cubes etc. Some chocolate buttons to cheer the bear up... and smear all over the sofa.  Right other boob in bra, finish getting clothes on. Look a wreck, feel worse. Press on lets get out of this house. 

Where are the bears shoes? ....The saboteur is back. Alpha male has struck again, the only pair of shoes are in his car....on the way to Scotland. Mint. Now I need to carry the bear to the car, to the shops and buy him a pair of shoes. Wait he has actually crapped up to his neck. I am never getting out of this house. Full change for the bear, nappy might be able to kill someone. OK, so house looks like its been dusted with a wrecking ball, I'm knackered, its only 8.42am, the bear has no shoes, I may have packed nappy's and a drink for the bear but who gives a shit lets get out of here....and buy some shoes. 

4 hours later. Return to house. 

I think we have been burgled.... Oh no this is just how we live now. Washing machine is loaded but not turned on, dishes piled high, bathroom is so disgusting I don't want to use my own toilet.

 "What's for Tea??!! "... 

"Just a minute, I will make something" 




All I'm saying is this motherhood malarkey would be a lot easier if they didn't want something every 3 seconds. 

Ash xox


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