5.09.2016

Being a Mother is really tough sh*t....





I was just casually having a nice day when THIS picture popped into my Timeline.
Its natural, lovely and feels like yesterday but is 3yrs old! Archie is baby faced and completely different to my strapping 6yr old who now loves Mine Craft and Football. Ozzie no longer has chubby star fish hands or snow white soft curls anymore either. I love this pic...well I think I do. For a minute I have a weird feeling akin to being broody....I think for a moment I've wasted their babyhood. Why can't we go back? I want some squishy baby cuddles. Then I realise it's not that. Despite this picture being so nice, I don't like it. Just looking at it makes me feel uneasy and on edge. It hurts. Why?....then it hits me. Now I remember, THIS is the 'The Day I Broke"....Long term followers may remember this blog but for those who haven't Ive pasted it below. Here I am feeling all guilty for not sucking in every precious moment we had...now you will see why you couldn't pay me to go back to this day....


The day I broke.

Today was the day I finally snapped, it didn't come with any warning or particular reason, but today was the day I went MENTAL.

It started by being woken up as usual with a horrible, whiny 'nothing is actually wrong' cry from Oscar at 5:02am...if you want to experience the cry just tuck your tongue into your bottom lip and make a high pitch moan....got it? Great. To be fair I did have a really stressful day yesterday and despite this wake up making me feel like I had boiling water thrown in my face, I was determined to be in a good mood and have a productive day. The sun was shining, I started to make breakfast and after the usual argument over why cant we have mini weetibix instead of 'big' weetibix the boys settled into eating it while simultaneously making as much mess as possible. Anyway after telling Archie countless times he can no longer take food into the sitting room due to it looking like the food fight scene off 'Hook', while I am helping Oscar pick cement (weetibix) out of his hair, I hear "uh oh", where upon I find Archie has wandered into the living room and spilt a full glass of full fat milk on the sofa, splashing the carpet too....I'm not going to lie, this is really harshing my mellow right now.

Still I resist having a heart attack, I may have shouted a little but I just calmly clean it up and try to stay positive, thinking that the husband will be home in a few days; in case you are not up to speed he has been working away this whole year and we haven't seen him for nearly 9wks on the bounce now...excited isn't going to even cover it on his return this Wednesday. I realise my feet are freezing so run upstairs for my slippers and have a quick wee...I like to spoil myself you know. I instantly realise my mistake though when I see Oscar (aka Thing 2) has wheeled his buggy over to the window climbed on it, opened my handbag emptying the lot and then decided to have a snack...on my new £17 Clinique chubby stick. Although my teeth are involuntarily grinding I keep a lid on it, it's my fault for leaving him for a second right?! So after washing up while they fight around my ankles, putting in some washing while they trash the toy room I just organised last night with all Oscars new birthday gifts, lets continue with this UPBEAT day people.

They even had to undress my Cabbage patch doll...to make the most mess possible.


How about a nice walk/skoot on seafront and maybe stop for a treat boys?....Archie "Ugggghhhh I DON'T WANT TO GET dressed!, I don't want to go out ugggghh" Oscars sees the commotion and while he cant talk decides to crap himself, cry and try to take his nappy off. I really want to just go back to bed now but no positivity must reign, its nice to get some fresh air and I have been trying to be "healthy" recently so its a good opportunity to squeeze in a bit exercise as I've more chance of flying to the moon than having time to go to a gym 3 times a week. 

Sounding like Mr Tumble on crack "Come on guys lets see who can get dressed the quickest, I've got a little treat for the winner" It seems to work and although the usual hiccups with "I'm not wearing that top, shoes (just insert anything really)" I win refusing to be dictated to by a 4yr old...as my migraine starts it really feels though like a false positive. I manage to get Oscar dressed while he trys to stand up every single second of his disgusting nappy change, equally throwing on the floor any item I have placed on the edge of the changing mat and need, he is also now crying AGAIN because he has managed to stand up in a nano second and bumped his head on the shelf...remind me why I have a bad back?! As Archie got dressed the fastest I agree he can have a treat which are some Batman sandals I bought for our holidays anyway...."Awww but I want Ninja Turtles ones" I'm really not sure why I bother or I'm even being nice to these little terrorists at this point but I must carry on regardless.

After the normal 20mins just to get out the door and the "I cant find my other shoe" where I'm shouting "I don't care just put ANY shoes on even if they don't bloody match"...I manage to wrestle them into the car. On the way to the Fish Quay sands (parking choice today) Archie has a mega tantrum that we are not going "To a Farm or somewhere cool" and then Oscar finds a sippy cup....god knows how long its been there amongst the knee deep Quavers and Lego but don't worry he doesn't drink it just pours it into his lap...then crus cos he is wet. Then the usual 20mins just to get out of the car, unfold the pram, skooters etc not to mention the Sunshine has done one and its now freezing.

Baltic




 So I'm now digging through the Quavers and Lego myself for hats and hoodies. "I love a good sea fret"....said NO one ever. So we bash on up the Black Middens stopping to inspect every bit of dog poop (and there was loads but I'm picking my battles carefully today) into the freezing wind, obviously this induces no end of moaning, some from me as well. Most people don't know but I suffer from a skin condition called Urticaria which means the skin can react in rash and swelling to anything but my trigger is...the COLD! Lush since I live in possibly the coldest part of the UK, so now despite wearing sunglasses my eyes are up like tennis balls....whose frigging idea was this?!

Eye still swollen 2hrs later....




We arrive at the Cafe and although blowing a hooly, we have to stick to our plan and sit outside because we have an enormous buggy, one skooter, 2 insane boys and only 1 parent. I've now decided to sod my diet, I need carbs and quick so go for a sausage sandwich. I repeatedly ask Archie what he wants, trying to convince him to have the same as me or eggs on toast, no he wants a cookie...Its 10am but what the hell we are just basically surviving now anyway. Naturally we have the wobbliest table on earth and even the boys breathing is sending their milks flying never mind their normal, stroke inducing constant fidgeting and in Oscars case, trying to do a runner...WHY CANT THEY just stay still for 15mins and eat?! 

At that moment the lady brings out our food and balances it on the wobbliest table on earth, milk is still splashing, in the seconds I take to move my pot of tea so they dont scald themselves, Oscar the octopus has already managed to get a knife and a full fist of jam, all the while the only other person sitting outside, a woman who its obvious has never had children as she's got the empathy of Hitler...and a better moustache if I'm honest, is tut tutting on; not even raising an understanding eyebrow or passing Oscars dummy which has landed directly on her shoe. Archie then chooses this time to utter the immortal words "Mam, I DO want a sausage sandwich actually and a wee" Despite my eye doing a little twitch, its fine I feel physically sick now and I don't even want mine...You think its coming now don't you, when I snap, don't you? Its not.

Only had one bite.



I really am thinking what the fuck am I doing here and I reeeally don't want to do this any more but after Archie has most of my sandwich, while refusing to share any of his cookie and Oscar eats one of my sausages dipped in jam then trys to drink some of dogs bowl water, I think we should just leave....before I cry. I was going to say "Sorry" to Hitler's understudy as its clear we have ruined her Latte break but as I'm fighting to put Oscar screaming back in his buggy and hurriedly tidy up the Armageddon left on the table she decides to point out disgustedly that "I have left a fork on the floor"...I look at it for a second and march off deciding she is just lucky I don't stab it into her in the arm. We all walk home in silence, its starting to rain for added fun but I've calmed down a bit and just very happy to get home. However I must have been blind when I left this morning because, I look around at the house that was immaculate last night (well sort of), the house I missed a play date yesterday to tidy and it is absolutely bombed...no seriously... like the inside of a skip and I can also smell sour milk. I ring the husband to sound off a bit - NO answer - but I can hear his voice in my head "Don't worry I will be home soon" and imagine stabbing him with a fork as well. 

The boys are bickering again, Pepper Pig is it seems blasting and Archie decides to copy the move "Tummy Castle" and full force bounces on Oscars tummy whilst nearly braking his arm inducing a screaming fit. THEN it happens. Now I'm not making excuses but I'm exhausted, its 11am I still haven't had a shower and its like the whole week has been for nothing, I've had enough, I just fly a them and start screaming.

"OHHHH MY GOD!!! *silence* THIS is absolutely ridiculous, do you have any idea how spoilt and naughty you both are?! I do everything for you two, EVERYTHING! You get anything you want, we go to Parks, Cinema, Farms, swimming, Nice Holidays you name it and you ALL *husbands getting thrown in for good measure now* treat me like totalllll SHIT!" 

I catch a glimpse of my self in the mirror...I look like Shrek doing the 'roar'. The kids look stunned and I feel ashamed. I wish I could have counted to 10 but I know I couldn't have stopped it, at this stage even my basic human rights have gone out the window. This is total torture. Maybe its me. Maybe its just my kids. Maybe its just my situation but in that moment I really just wanted to run away. Why do kids make things so hard, they are awful enough?! I wouldn't mind if I did nothing with them but its true I do anything for them. Its completely thankless. I think I'm a good person, how did this all happen?

Right now I'm not going to say, I wouldn't change them for the world, in fact don't ask me until they are teenagers...you might not like the answer. I realise some of you will now be judging me, I'm not proud but its the truth and I have to let some of the ugly out in hope that I'm not alone. Despite my guilt the kids are back to tearing around so it doesn't seem to have scarred them for life...as I'd hoped. "Suicidal Saturday" as it will now be called is nearly over though, wine o'clock is calling and tomorrow is another fresh day....


So isn't that so shit? I am broken hearted that I can't cuddle my little babies anymore and hear the silly lush things they said ....but I wouldn't want to go back to the trenches of toxic nappys, weaning and sleepless nights even for a Hermes handbag. Yet 3yrs later when I thought it would all be better, I am a little less crackers because the husband isn't living 3000miles away but its not really better ha. Just different. Now I worry about bullying and too much i pad time, the tantrums are still there but more moody about homework and playing out until dark. You can't win. I feel like this then put them to bed and think I could die fro loving them so much. Its one big mind game and I do wonder if I will ever get a day as I imagined ....you know Mary Poppins Mother day. For now I have to think a lot of the time its shit but wouldn't change it for the world at all...and isn't that shit?!

I gurantee 0% of Dads are even thinking about all this ha ha.....



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