7.16.2019

It's OK to say I feel cr*p!



This popped up on time hop and it made absolutely HOWL but also kinda gave me that sad tummy pain you get after bad news. 

I was in a BAD place here and didn’t know how to express it. Was I even allowed to be?! Should I be more grateful? The constant mix of frustration and then guilt was exhausting. I had gone from being a real person with a job, an amazing social life and loads of friends I could see whenever I wanted. Then in 3 short years. Boom. I was a stay at home Mammy to 2 wild boys, not sure what I was doing or how the hell they let me out of hospital with these babies. No signature, no manual... nothing. I had more interrogation bringing Fang and Trev the hamsters home! I often felt a failure and I don’t mind saying it I was verrry lonely. I was CONSTANTLY being told how lucky I was though - I don’t disagree especially if all you want to be is a SAHM but can’t...it must be so tough. Let me tell you I have done it all ways this past decade, but whether you're working or not though it’s all REALLY bloody hard! You’re also constantly made to feel you should be somewhere else or doing something else better.

It felt over night I became a full time SAHM to 2 little people under 3. Moved to another country and as cool as it was to experience, I was more lonely than ever in Texas - I still shudder thinking about the 5mth solid stint I did SOLO (their Dad had a job in the Caribbean at the time) Noro Virus’s, winter months, never ending nappy changes, allergic reactions, you name it and it went off with no support. Non. My parents all worked full time and still do. No one in my family had a baby for over 17yrs and I was also the first of all my friends. It's how I began blogging really, about how nuts this whole thing was as it was the only way I felt I could let it out. I look back on this time and it's like the girl in the picture wasn't me. I want to hug her...yet I might have freaked out as felt I had someone on me and touching me 24/7 back then. I also somehow haven't mentioned how tired I was all.the.time. Like really tired. So much tired it should be the title actually.

The sad thing about feeling like this is the fear of judgement which is insane. What normal nice human would criticise a struggling new Mum?! I did receive a little bit of criticism at the time though, under the cover of troll accounts sadly, as I truly would have liked to have bought them a cuppa, have a chat (partly because I was going out my mind without adult company) and ask "How they had it all so perfect?" Like good bully's do though, it did knock me and I stopped blogging about the warts and all sides of motherhood. This was just before the era of the fight back mums though, like 'The Unmumsy Mum' and  'Hurrah for Gin' THANK.the.lord now saying it like it is and get this...It doesn't mean we hate our kids or are even remotely bad parent's. We are just new to this, or TIRED (I've mentioned that right) or depressed, or struggling or having a bad day, week, time or frustrated...I could go on. This at the end of the day is a job. That's why it's an actual profession, nanny, child minder etc and it might sound dark but if I didn't feed and change my child they wouldn't have survived. That huge sense of responsibility used to overwhelm me and claw at my throat. Even in the most serious life saving jobs you can take a day off or call in sick. Not this one AND you're supposed to keep the house clean and cook.

Mam feelings really are the craziest though and no one prepares you to be driven literally insane, judged every step of the way and then see your babies asleep and no matter the day you’ve had think “I love you so much I could die!” Like WTF?! Thank fully I feel million miles away from that place now. This morning (after a FULL nights sleep I must say which always helps) my gorgeous 9 and 7yr old helped me make breakfast together, we munched cereal, laughed at jokes, talked about the last week of school and on Sunday we are going to DisneyWorld! They are literally my best friends in the universe. I always would have died for them. I always loved them beyond measure even in the crappy days it's just now I can see that was all OK. All of it. No matter what I felt. I know I was doing a great job, my amazing boys are proof of that. I wouldn't change anything.

So if you are feeling rubbish today, maybe you've been up all night....for a year (that's a thing they do, really) or your kid has just done a poop in the park and obviously you've used your last nappy! or you have sat for a 5min well earned break and your kid has trashed a room or done a biro work of art your hallway or your nerves just feel raw and you simply don't know how you will get to bed time?

It's OK.

You're doing amazing. You are incredible. Just look at this little human you made. You can do this!!! I would never want anyone to feel the way I did and my biggest advice is, if you want to be a good parent no matter what - Take care of you and BE KIND to yourself! 

Run. Cry. Go to therapy. Be alone. Take a bubble bath. Scream. Get a babysitter. Eat that cake. Ask for help where you can. Quit guilt. Ride in your car with radio blasting. Have a glass of wine. Get your nails done. Read. Just sit quietly. 

Whatever needs to be done, do it and tomorrow is another day. You got this. I promise it will get better and you wont even notice. Failing that )because some days it's also ok to just feel crap or what you feel) make a cuppa and have a good laugh at these, you're not alone!




Contact lenses got posted through the door while I was having a wee.


Up for 5minutes.....


Archie go and put some socks on for 100th time...#cleverclogs


Every.day.


Just weight lifting the furniture age 3 there.


Biting a dog....


Guess we will be buying that sticker book then.


Don't like that breakfast...



Still refused to walk at this point though.


Cost of a shower. 


Found his twin!



Don't turn your back on the shopping ever! 1 bag of caster sugar and sprinkles...both licking it off the carpet.


Look how cool talc is...everywhere.


Sat and just ate butter....even see the face marks.


Only 8mths here and ready to kill Archie if he didn't give him some ice cream.


Never changed, this is what happens when he cant have ice cream now.


Went into my bag for 1 plaster....


When we have waited in a shop for more than a minute...



Just why?


Plan B?...


Woke up at 5am to find them both eating my secret stash of sweets out my bed draw!...Oscar had a go at my Kindle as well...


Foaming at the mouth after finding Electrolyte tablets last.thing. this child needs is energy.



This is where Chubby sticks at £17 a pop go to die.


Hair WAS down to his eyebrows....#diy y? y? y?


Don't turn your back on the shopping ever.


 Just helping himself in Thortons... 



Only 1 broken arm being a lunatic in the park.


I used to be living  the dream with a lovely 'Craft Draw'...
Archie went into it and Oscar covered him self in black paint and ate the rest.


Went in the shower for 2mins and they were eating their full packed lunch ready for nursery!


Don't turn your back on the shopping EV.ER.


Absolute favourite thing in the world....



Casually putting a dog in a head lock...




Was my baking cupboard, lesson is cinnamon is YAKKY! 


Waaaay past weaning stage but....


Just 1 biscuit...


Just yesterday changing Oscars bum and Archie is up a ladder.


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