Follow up to 'The Day I broke'...

I have been thinking about it...A LOT and as I said I do feel guilty for screaming at the boys the other day even though they more than had it coming. I however don't want to be this type of parent, you know when you put them to bed and think "I've barely been nice to you all day..." but its definitely their fault! Everyday that passes recently I feel my nerves getting more brittle, I've almost constantly got a knot in my stomach I call it the "What NOW knot?!" You know what its like, you have been up since 6am fed, clothed them, washed up, tidied up, fed them again and you are just about to have your first brew...its at your lips and either they have done something or want something "Mammm"...can you feel the knot now? They are it seems genuinely going out of their way to make me insane. Just this morning while Oscar was trying to hang himself on some rope I really don't even know where he got it from and was munching on a piece of artificial coal out from our fire (it was turned off...I'm not that cruel) Archie was demanding I come and inspect his huge poo...ummm where is the HR department please? 

Before children I really couldn't wait, I already had a large dog and therefore a big responsibility, I looked at children the same way and accepted all the inevitably hard graft involved but let me tell you that dog never once barfed in my mouth, stopped me going ANYWHERE or didn't let me sit still...for nearly 5yrs in row now. I was so excited though for Pram pushing, craft sessions, beach days, cinema trips even their wedding day, that I didn't realise you have to fill in every.single.second in between these things. No really things or moments that just blurred before like, have you ever driven to work and thought "Crap I cant even remember driving here?"...NOT a problem with kids, all it takes is something to drop on the floor and you will never forget a car journey again. Especially when they get up at the crack of dawn by 9am I'm ready for lunch. This is the thing I try to explain to people without kids and I can tell they think I'm crazy but if you look at even the basics of a child in the morning alone, the actual work, you go from dressing and feeding just you, to dressing and feeding someone else, then trying to dress and fed yourself while trying not to let the other person kill themselves and more often than not you then have to dress and feed them again. 

Not to mention the actual mental torture you will see in 
I don't want to have daily arguments with my 4yr old about...well everything, but most frustratingly, what I try to make him wear. The worst thing is if I want him to wear outfit 1 there is a huge tantrum over outfit 2, so the next day I say he can wear outfit 2 and now there is a huge tantrum because he wants to wear outfit 1!? I also don't want to have to tell my 2yr old for the literal 4000th time that he can not climb on the Plasma TV and that the bin is not a food source...when will he accept these things?! I just want to be their Mam, not this bitter crazy woman. Which brings me onto my other bug bare and accomplice is being nuts, Men!  I'm going to try to keep my hubby out of this as he currently hasn't done anything wrong and I know they are all the same but this is definitely part of my problem - being female.

Yesterday when I was swelling my face up getting drenched on our walk I passed tonnes of male joggers and groups of cyclists and I thought you never see many woman...you know why? because they haven't got time! Seriously nothing is more guaranteed to bring out my feminist side than seeing a man off for a mornings cycling or spending hours washing.their.car. a totally ridiculous waste of time especially as you can pay £3 at the garage and be sparkling in 10 mins.  Most woman whether they have kids or not are too busy spending weekends catching up with housework, we haven't time to disappear for half the day doing something just for us and if you have kids that is a certainty. Also even if we ever did I could never glance around the house looking like a crime scene and disappear to a Spa...I would have it planned like a military operation, stripped the beds and spent the day before cleaning... When you have children its even worse, I look at the weekend as blank (apart from important occasions) its family time, I would never regularly think "Yeah I will be going out with my friends most of Saturday" but a game of rugby or whatever is totally fine? Here is the kicker though even when I do get a bit of time off...I spend it cleaning or treat myself to a child free food shop!

Then there is the guilt....and the worry...but mostly the guilt that men don't feel. If a crying child is returned to a Dad (at soft play, the park etc) who hadn't noticed because he was reading the paper or chatting its no problem, when its a Mum it feels like the whole place goes quiet and tuts. The other day I saw and article on a Mum who makes her kids packed lunch into 'Picasso' like art so her little boy will eat it...in my house you eat it or starve. Then I felt bad for this and not having the energy to make sandwich's into a Lego scene, then I felt bad for not being firmer and sticking to my upbringing "clear your plate or no pudding"...How many Dads are sitting chewing this out in their brains as well?...0 at a guess. We are genetically programmed to try and give our selves a stroke, men don't have a head to toe sweat if an unexpected visitor asks "Can I use your loo?!" I will also never forget the day Archie came back from a trip out with Daddy on a rare Saturday I had to work wearing, ripped joggers, a Pyjama top and Christmas socks...in May. My husband looked genuinely terrified when eyes bulging I asked "Did you see anyone we know?!" Don't even start me on work either when most my friends are getting 'Mummy Tracked' anyway "How do you cope with the work life balance?"....No Dad was asked EVER. Its not their fault but Men really don't worry about this stuff... I cant decide if I'm angry or just really jealous.

It's no wonder they say being a Mum is the hardest job in the world though, they just didn't mention I would turn into a crazy person at risk of becoming the next Germaine sodding Greer. God I hope it does get better as promised when they go to school. Until then I will be starting a club called #RealMums or maybe 'Wine O'clock Club' I'm working on it but...want to join? Follow me at 

Ash xox 


The day I broke.....

Today was the day I finally snapped, it didn't come with any warning or particular reason, but today was the day I went MENTAL.

It started by being woken up as usual with a horrible, whiny 'nothing is actually wrong' cry from Oscar at 5:02am...if you want to experience the cry just tuck your tongue into your bottom lip and make a high pitch moan....got it? Great. To be fair I did have a really stressful day yesterday and despite this wake up making me feel like I had boiling water thrown in my face, I was determined to be in a good mood and have a productive day. The sun was shining, I started to make breakfast and after the usual argument over why cant we have mini weetibix instead of 'big' weetibix the boys settled into eating it while simultaneously making as much mess as possible. Anyway after telling Archie countless times he can no longer take food into the sitting room due to it looking like the food fight scene off 'Hook', while I am helping Oscar pick cement (weetibix) out of his hair, I hear "uh oh", where upon I find Archie has wandered into the living room and spilt a full glass of full fat milk on the sofa, splashing the carpet too....I'm not going to lie, this is really harshing my mellow right now.

Still I resist having a heart attack, I may have shouted a little but I just calmly clean it up and try to stay positive, thinking that the husband will be home in a few days; in case you are not up to speed he has been working away this whole year and we haven't seen him for nearly 9wks on the bounce now...excited isn't going to even cover it on his return this Wednesday. I realise my feet are freezing so run upstairs for my slippers and have a quick wee...I like to spoil myself you know. I instantly realise my mistake though when I see Oscar (aka Thing 2) has wheeled his buggy over to the window climbed on it, opened my handbag emptying the lot and then decided to have a snack...on my new £17 Clinique chubby stick. Although my teeth are involuntarily grinding I keep a lid on it, it's my fault for leaving him for a second right?! So after washing up while they fight around my ankles, putting in some washing while they trash the toy room I just organised last night with all Oscars new birthday gifts, lets continue with this UPBEAT day people.

They even had to undress my Cabbage patch doll...to make the most mess possible.

How about a nice walk/skoot on seafront and maybe stop for a treat boys?....Archie "Ugggghhhh I DON'T WANT TO GET dressed!, I don't want to go out ugggghh" Oscars sees the commotion and while he cant talk decides to crap himself, cry and try to take his nappy off. I really want to just go back to bed now but no positivity must reign, its nice to get some fresh air and I have been trying to be "healthy" recently so its a good opportunity to squeeze in a bit exercise as I've more chance of flying to the moon than having time to go to a gym 3 times a week. 

Sounding like Mr Tumble on crack "Come on guys lets see who can get dressed the quickest, I've got a little treat for the winner" It seems to work and although the usual hiccups with "I'm not wearing that top, shoes (just insert anything really)" I win refusing to be dictated to by a 4yr old...as my migraine starts it really feels though like a false positive. I manage to get Oscar dressed while he trys to stand up every single second of his disgusting nappy change, equally throwing on the floor any item I have placed on the edge of the changing mat and need, he is also now crying AGAIN because he has managed to stand up in a nano second and bumped his head on the shelf...remind me why I have a bad back?! As Archie got dressed the fastest I agree he can have a treat which are some Batman sandals I bought for our holidays anyway...."Awww but I want Ninja Turtles ones" I'm really not sure why I bother or I'm even being nice to these little terrorists at this point but I must carry on regardless.


After the normal 20mins just to get out the door and the "I cant find my other shoe" where I'm shouting "I don't care just put ANY shoes on even if they don't bloody match"...I manage to wrestle them into the car. On the way to the Fish Quay sands (parking choice today) Archie has a mega tantrum that we are not going "To a Farm or somewhere cool" and then Oscar finds a sippy cup....god knows how long its been there amongst the knee deep Quavers and Lego but don't worry he doesn't drink it just pours it into his lap...then crus cos he is wet. Then the usual 20mins just to get out of the car, unfold the pram, skooters etc not to mention the Sunshine has done one and its now freezing.

 So I'm now digging through the Quavers and Lego myself for hats and hoodies. "I love a good sea fret"....said NO one ever. So we bash on up the Black Middens stopping to inspect every bit of dog poop (and there was loads but I'm picking my battles carefully today) into the freezing wind, obviously this induces no end of moaning, some from me as well. Most people don't know but I suffer from a skin condition called Urticaria which means the skin can react in rash and swelling to anything but my trigger is...the COLD! Lush since I live in possibly the coldest part of the UK, so now despite wearing sunglasses my eyes are up like tennis balls....whose frigging idea was this?!

Eye still swollen 2hrs later....

We arrive at the Cafe and although blowing a hooly, we have to stick to our plan and sit outside because we have an enormous buggy, one skooter, 2 insane boys and only 1 parent. I've now decided to sod my diet, I need carbs and quick so go for a sausage sandwich. I repeatedly ask Archie what he wants, trying to convince him to have the same as me or eggs on toast, no he wants a cookie...Its 10am but what the hell we are just basically surviving now anyway. Naturally we have the wobbliest table on earth and even the boys breathing is sending their milks flying never mind their normal, stroke inducing constant fidgeting and in Oscars case, trying to do a runner...WHY CANT THEY just stay still for 15mins and eat?! 

At that moment the lady brings out our food and balances it on the wobbliest table on earth, milk is still splashing, in the seconds I take to move my pot of tea so they dont scald themselves, Oscar the octopus has already managed to get a knife and a full fist of jam, all the while the only other person sitting outside, a woman who its obvious has never had children as she's got the empathy of Hitler...and a better moustache if I'm honest, is tut tutting on; not even raising an understanding eyebrow or passing Oscars dummy which has landed directly on her shoe. Archie then chooses this time to utter the immortal words "Mam, I DO want a sausage sandwich actually and a wee" Despite my eye doing a little twitch, its fine I feel physically sick now and I don't even want mine...You think its coming now don't you, when I snap, don't you? Its not.

Only had one bite.

I really am thinking what the fuck am I doing here and I reeeally don't want to do this any more but after Archie has most of my sandwich, while refusing to share any of his cookie and Oscar eats one of my sausages dipped in jam then trys to drink some of dogs bowl water, I think we should just leave....before I cry. I was going to say "Sorry" to Hitler's understudy as its clear we have ruined her Latte break but as I'm fighting to put Oscar screaming back in his buggy and hurriedly tidy up the Armageddon left on the table she decides to point out disgustedly that "I have left a fork on the floor"...I look at it for a second and march off deciding she is just lucky I don't stab it into her in the arm. We all walk home in silence, its starting to rain for added fun but I've calmed down a bit and just very happy to get home. However I must have been blind when I left this morning because, I look around at the house that was immaculate last night (well sort of), the house I missed a play date yesterday to tidy and it is absolutely bombed...no seriously... like the inside of a skip and I can also smell sour milk. I ring the husband to sound off a bit - NO answer - but I can hear his voice in my head "Don't worry I will be home soon" and imagine stabbing him with a fork as well. 

The boys are bickering again, Pepper Pig is it seems blasting and Archie decides to copy the move "Tummy Castle" and full force bounces on Oscars tummy whilst nearly braking his arm inducing a screaming fit. THEN it happens. Now I'm not making excuses but I'm exhausted, its 11am I still haven't had a shower and its like the whole week has been for nothing, I've had enough, I just fly a them and start screaming.

"OHHHH MY GOD!!! *silence* THIS is absolutely ridiculous, do you have any idea how spoilt and naughty you both are?! I do everything for you two, EVERYTHING! You get anything you want, we go to Parks, Cinema, Farms, swimming, Nice Holidays you name it and you ALL *husbands getting thrown in for good measure now* treat me like totalllll SHIT!" 

I catch a glimpse of my self in the mirror...I look like Shrek doing the 'roar'. The kids look stunned and I feel ashamed. I wish I could have counted to 10 but I know I couldn't have stopped it, at this stage even my basic human rights have gone out the window. This is total torture. Maybe its me. Maybe its just my kids. Maybe its just my situation but in that moment I really just wanted to run away. Why do kids make things so hard, they are awful enough?! I wouldn't mind if I did nothing with them but its true I do anything for them. Its completely thankless. I think I'm a good person, how did this all happen?

Right now I'm not going to say, I wouldn't change them for the world, in fact don't ask me until they are teenagers...you might not like the answer. I realise some of you will now be judging me, I'm not proud but its the truth and I have to let some of the ugly out in hope that I'm not alone. Despite my guilt the kids are back to tearing around so it doesn't seem to have scarred them for life...as I'd hoped. "Suicidal Saturday" as it will now be called is nearly over though, wine o'clock is calling and tomorrow is another fresh day....

Ash xox

Now I have calmed down I have reflected and written another blog as to why I'm maybe losing it #guilt

Follow up to the day I broke....


Quick/Cheat Pizza - Cook with Kids!

This is BBQ Chicken, Roasted Peppers, Pesto and Mushroom.

I love pizza but for me it's ALLLL about the crust! I'm not much of a bread maker....*wispers* I cant be bothered and pre bought crusts are revolting. So I kind of fell into this one Friday night when I didn't have any bread in...I know not even in the freezer! So it was a crumpet or this and now I love it. I always welcome things to make with my kids aswell that are not too messy or complicated and this is ideal, the boys love picking their own toppings.